Getting Fit – New Beginnings

For my whole life I’ve mostly been fairly trim but added layers of flubber and fluff as I got older, especially after having a child. Then life took over. We get busy – especially us moms. We have to solve the world’s problems. We have to be the owner of all things. We have to take responsibility! Make sure everything and everyone is taken care of! Except for ourselves. SUPERMOM!

Most women I know really struggle to find a way to  fit themselves into their own lives. I mean, who will take care of ….everything…if we don’t??? Who will make sure the laundry is done and the bills are paid and dinner is made (ok hubby does most of our cooking but that is for another post), and…and…and!!!?? Society in general seems to be at an all-time high for stress and anger and frustration – not to mention obesity and disease. For women specifically I think we have an epidemic. In my opinion women have a much higher expectation of maintaining work and home to perfection. Much of that is self-induced anxiety with a very healthy dose of societal influences. But I digress.

A few years ago I started at a gym and worked with a trainer here and there. I was on a MISSION! I went 4-5 days a week, trained hard. I lost about 18 lbs and felt great. But I was tired. Then as these things happen, life interfered and work got so busy that I didn’t even take lunch breaks. There were days of 10 hours sitting behind a desk with maybe 3 times getting up to run to the bathroom. I’m pretty sure there are MANY women out there that can relate to that struggle. It took a long time for work to settle down.   It is probably a more fair statement that it took a long time for me to allow myself to slow down. Us women do NOT like to relinquish ownership, delegate, or have things sitting unfinished. I’m no exception. So pass by another 2-3 years and I’d gained back 20lbs. I’d also gained exhaustion, emotional instability, frustration, stress, anxiety and lost every ounce of what I thought it was to just be ME.

Spring of 2015 I decided to start running. I’m not a runner. My body is NOT built for running. I’m full of slow-twitch muscles. Everyone has different body structures and I’m convinced that based on genetics and heritage and other factors (I’m no expert so I’ll defer to those that are on this) but my body just was not meant to run. I’m built for power, not for speed. I’m built more like a weightlifter. Lots of heavy muscle mass. The image I have in my mind of a runner is lean and sinewy with energy to spare. That is SO not me. But I decided to start running at 39 years old. I’d never been able to jog for even 5 minutes. I was the kid in gym class never able to run a mile without wanting to fall over dead. I also have asthma and allergies. But I decided to start running. Why do this to myself you ask? Why would you try to do something that had sure fire failure written all over it like an internet meme? FAIL! I did it BECAUSE I couldn’t. I’m not a strong person, or rather I WASN’T a strong person. I was a giver-upper. I needed something in my life to give me a challenge to not give up.

I ran. Ok let’s be honest I walked with a little jogging in between. Then I jogged a little more. After months of working at it I did it. I RAN A MILE!!!! I ran a whole mile without having to stop to walk (or pass out). At 39 years old I’d accomplished something I’d never thought possible. I kept going and that September I did my first 5k race with a friend. I will use the word “race” lightly as I was just hoping to survive it long enough to cross the finish line. I didn’t care if I was last. That was HUGE for me. I’m a competitor. I get embarrassed if I’m not the best in the crowd. I usually assume other people are looking at me thinking “Why the hell is she here?”. This time I didn’t care. I just wanted to finish. For me. My best time in trying to go that distance before on the treadmill or on a road was 42 minutes.  Most runners would laugh at that being glacial pace. I don’t care this is me and my journey. I wanted to try to finish in 40 minutes.

It’s race day and I’m feeling pretty good but nervous. Could I actually do this? In front of PEOPLE? In front of some of the most fit, lean people I’ve ever seen in my life? The race starts and as I go I’m fighting through leg cramps and exhaustion and tight bronchioles. I had to stop multiple times to try to get my calves to stop torturing me. I’m at the last half mile and both of my feet are literally numb. I thought I was going to fall on my face. I rounded the corner to see the big arch of the finish line. Then I heard it. My hubby and my son. They were there jumping up and down cheering for me. My son came running up beside me and screamed “YOU’RE GONNA DO IT MOM!!! YOU ARE GONNA BEAT 40 MINUTES KEEP GOING!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!”  I looked up for the first time at the clock. 38 minutes. My god. I still had about 500 feet to go. My body was toast. My lungs were closed. I couldn’t breathe or feel my feet. I dug deeper in that moment than I ever had before. Through sheer force of will and determination to not finish the race walking – I kept going. I drove my legs to keep churning. I crossed that finish line with a time of 38.50.

It is at this moment that I began this journey. I was born anew. There is more drama to come…but it was at that moment that I finally grew up. Emotionally and Spiritually. At that moment I found a well inside me that I didn’t think existed. I knew other people had it but I thought I didn’t. Yet there it was. A place where I could forgive myself for all of my mistakes. A place where there is potential inside of me just dying to get out if I could just release it without fear and worry.  My body could do things I never knew possible, and more importantly my inner strength grew ten-fold. Mental grit that I didn’t think I had showed up.

I’m now a believer. Every single one of us has the ability to tap something deep inside of our souls that we may not realize is there. We may not always need it, but it will lift us when we do. It will keep us going through the most difficult of times and push us through those moments when we think all is lost and the only option left is to give up. The funny thing is that I’ve been through times in my life when I’ve tapped that well before. I just didn’t know it. I just didn’t take the time to really turn inside myself to realize that is what was happening. I think most of us think we just cope or put one foot in front of the other because we have to. I now know that it is that inner light that burns way deep in our soul that feeds us when we think we have nothing left. Some people might call it God, some might call it energy or Chakra and some maybe just human instinct. I call it ME. This is me. I’m finally welcoming her into the world after 39 years.